A “Rainbow Baby” is a term that is used to describe a baby who born into a family following a previous pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage, premature birth, still birth, or infant death. The rainbow symbolises the hope that this new baby brings to the family without forgetting the impact of the storm of losing a child.
Baby Loss by miscarriage is something which is very close to my heart and something which happens to more people than you would imagine. It is also a subject that is rarely spoken about.
This year, I have been offering one FREE Rainbow Mini Shoot every month in memory and to honour my own Rainbow Twins. Another Twin Mummy said to me this month…..that I will ALWAYS be a Mother of Twins even if they are not with me now. Little comments like that mean so much!!
Here is our next very precious little Rainbow. Eliza-rose Joany and her Mummy and Daddy’s story.
I, (Kelly) was just 15 years old when I was told that I may never have children due to a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. At this age I was quite upset but it was not a focus so it did not really seem to have a major impact on me at the time and I continued through the flow of life , but refused to have any form of contraception as it was highly unlikely I would conceive and I did not want to add extra unneeded chemicals to the problem. As I grew older going through relationships , further tests the idea I would never fall pregnant, feel morning sickness, what it would be like to have the kicking in my tummy and being called mum slowly grinded away at me! Despite looking after and having the privilege’s of watching and helping so many other children grow up it didn’t quite fulfil the maternal instinct I naturally had. I tried several times within a couple of relationships to no avail, accept maybe one early unconfirmed miss. After a few failed relationships and a very traumatic time and remaining single for quite a while I had accepted that it was just part of life for me not to have any children. Many others around would say it will happen, you would make a great mum etc. which did not make me feel any better as it was intended to, I wish that it was never mentioned, or having to address questions of have you got children and explain that its not because I don’t like or want them whilst that part of me died a little more each time to becoming numb about it.
I then, at 34 years of age met my current partner , an almost 5 years younger fella patient and understanding. Shortly after meeting to my surprise I had missed a period with shock and sense of doubt setting in I did the routine procedure of taking a test which came back positive. still in disbelief I kept it quiet crying with happiness and a sense of yeah right , to which I was correct as a few days later I started bleeding and after having a blood test it was confirmed I had miscarried at about 6 weeks. This didn’t seem to affect me too much as it was something I had got used to, however a few months later I had missed yet another 2 periods too scared to accept that I was pregnant, kind of tempting fate I left it till then to take a test that came back positive, after which I was about to be booked for a scan and felt something strange. On going to the toilet to check I found a sizeable fleshy bloody mass that I had never known or seen before and was horrified I shouted my partner in shock whom saw what was a little foetus. This time it really affected me as I had never fallen now it had happened twice but this time I could physically see our little person to be . I told my partner as the fertility issues were with myself that he should find someone else as he could be a father without me, he persevered, reassured me that it was not the only reason to be with someone and loved me either way.
After coming to terms with what had happened it re-shook my emotions and the idea set in that maybe getting some help would make a difference, so I got referred to a specialist whom did some tests and prescribed the fertility drug clomid. A year or so of being on and off the medication and getting absolutely intoxicated, being so ill at new year of 2018/19 I discovered again that I was pregnant. This time I did about 6 tests over 10 days , had a early scan booked by the specialist and sure enough there on the screen was a little bubble. Anxiously waking everyday too scared to go the toilet each and every time just waiting for the bleeding to start I finally made it to the 12 week scan to see a formed bundle of joy. Still not settled or positive , constant anxiety and even having bad morning sickness I still wasn’t reassured or enjoyed the fact I was actually going to have a baby until my 20 week scan. I did not want to buy anything constantly waiting for something to go wrong, I didn’t want to know if it was a boy or girl as looking back now I believe it would have made it more real and more attached therefore being harder if something did go wrong. We finally had a gender reveal at about 29 weeks to find out we were going to have a baby girl and I started to feel more overjoyed taking an interest in buying stuff, preparing for a our little girl and being a mum, those words which I never thought would be said.
I had to have growth scans all the way through and between the 32 week scan and 36 week scan our little girl had slowed down putting on weight subsequently being induced. Our beautiful rainbow baby girl arrived with no complications 16 days early at first I was in shock and worried about bonding due to waiting so long and anxiously expecting it all to go wrong. So many different thoughts and emotions constantly to manage . The struggle was awful but worth every moment to be here now with our perfect beautiful rainbow baby girl.
We had many names written down and chose Eliza-rose Joany, Eliza meaning pledged to god or of god and the best inspirational strongest person I know, my grandmother passed almost away year before I found out I was pregnant and I’m not overly religious but I am spiritual and believe our baby girl was heaven sent. Rose is the English flower meaning love and beauty also the name of the place I and my partner met. Joany meaning god is merciful and she has already bought many people relief from so much negativity and came to us after a long time of sadness and awful things happening but also after my nan.
I had seen Tracey’s page on social media through a friend whom had their twins photographed at her studio and see the rainbow post she had advertised, when I received the call after messaging her a brief account of our story I thought I had won a competition and never win anything. I was over the moon and couldn’t wait for our baby girl to be born, see what she looked like and have the rainbow photo shoot. Prior to meeting Tracey a few messages were relayed and I felt very at ease as it was when first meeting her, you could tell that Tracey had plenty of experience with babies and handled our precious baby with such ease, care and attention. The shoot was awesome to watch seeing our baby like a little doll sleeping throughout . So many props and different styles with such detail to choose from making our pictures beautiful and unique to our preferences. I was amazed at them when we went to choose coming away with one of every type. I cannot thank Tracey enough for choosing our rainbow girl and the experience of this shoot with such magical pictures.